The Ugly Truth About ‘Coerced’ Arranged Marriages in India
For all those who dismissively say “Nobody dragged you there and forced you to marry the man!”
Arranged marriages are very common in India. Often, women are coerced into marrying people they do not want to — someone the pseudo-progressive family deems worthy because it will elevate their social status, fulfil their own dreams of arranging a grand wedding that all of society will remember and talk about, and ensure their daughter is “well settled in life” and not a lonely, miserable spinster well past her “marriageable age”, alleviating that fear of “What if nobody else marries her?” The couple may seem compatible on paper and “look good together”. That’s good enough to pressurise the girl into marrying the man and shut down any kind of protests from her. A girl, who up to that point in her life, came across as strong and independent and “not the arranged marriage kind”.
However, when those marriages go wrong as they are wont to do when two completely incompatible people are pushed together to keep society and their families happy and a woman complains that she never wanted to marry the man in the first place, the first thing that people tell her is “You made the choice! Nobody physically dragged you there and made you marry the man, right?”
Right. There is no physical brute force.
There is something worse.
Emotional manipulation. Gaslighting. Believe it or not, it can break even the strongest, most independent women. Slowly and deliberately wearing her down by shouting at her, dismissing her protests and pleas, gathering majority support from other family members to continually wear her down. Even the strongest of women have their breaking points and their weaknesses. Family will exploit that, subtly and slyly.
“Think about it but don’t say no!” “This is the best offer someone like you will ever get!” “Just put the noose on him and marry him!” “What if nobody else marries you?” “You are not getting any younger!” “Who do you think you are? Aishwarya Rai? Men are just queuing up to marry you or what?” “I know this is right for you!” “You don’t know what’s best for you!” “You’re being stupid!” “A long engagement? What rubbish! Six months is long enough!”
There’s yelling, there’s crying, there’s door slamming.
And then, very slowly, she begins to crack. She feels guilty about seeing her mother in tears all the time. She feels ashamed hearing of her bad, rebellious behaviour discussed in hushed phone calls with other family members she respected. Her self-esteem, her self-confidence are all being gnawed away, day by day, little by little. There isn’t a single person on her side — if there was even one person who supported her, she would have the strength enough to keep fighting. Instead, everyone is either silent or clearly angry at her protestations. Until finally, she begins to question her own judgment.
“What is it in this man that everyone, my trusted family, sees that I fail to see? Maybe there is something to him. Maybe I really don’t know what is best for me. Maybe I am making a bad decision when I say no. What if, as they say, nobody else marries me? Maybe this is the best there is out there for me. I am no Aishwariya Rai.”
After yet one more argument that ends with her mother leaving the room in a flood of tears, anguish writ large on her face, something inside her just cracks. “I’ll marry the man.” Tired of the arguments, the crying, the alienation, the constant bad mouthing, she relents. For the sake of peace and for the sake of the happiness of those around her and to redeem herself just a little bit in the eyes of those who were so sorely disappointed in her.
Her gut tells her that this marriage will end badly. Her mother is now ecstatic — calling up all her friends and bragging that her daughter is marrying “someone she chose”. Never has she seen her mother so happy and so proud of her. She should be happy. Instead she feels dead inside. From then on, she just goes through the motions of preparing for a wedding. Smiling despite the dread and deep unhappiness she feels inside. She pretends to be happy and excited for a wedding she has no say in and that comes closer to a circus show than it does to her own dreams for a wedding. She’s dead inside even on her wedding day.
That unhappiness festering inside her, the tiny seed of disgust and loathing she feels for the groom who is so vastly different from what she sought in a life partner, and the dread of going into a family setup that stifles her personality begin to grow within her. Until one day, she is finally triggered enough to walk out. She walks out and walks back to the family that will never be sorry because they simply will not accept responsibility for what they caused. Because saying sorry will be admitting that they were wrong about the marriage and the groom being right for her.
Her family quickly absolves themselves of all responsibility since marrying the man was “her choice”. Instead, they blame her further. Speaking out is not appreciated. It’s branded as her impertinence, her foul temper, her arrogance that have all now caused a divorce.
And the drama begins all over again. Her mother wrings her hands dejectedly as she cries to another family member, “I am so worried about her. Now she’s a divorcee! Who will marry her now?”
